Tammy's Liaison Visit!

Tammy's visit was an absolute god send. Honestly, could not have timed or planned a better visit. I feel refreshed, reinvigorated, supported, compassionate, and confident moving forward into the last two thirds of my time here at Botshabelo.

Just laying eyes on Tammy when she first arrived Thursday before last was a huge relief. It was also nice to finally meet her daughter, Chandler, about whom I'd heard so much over the last year and a half. Since it was past dinner time and they'd been traveling all day, we immediately drove into town to have dinner at Wimpy, the burger joint where I have my study days each week. We caught up, talked about challenges and triumphs over the last week, and planned how we might spend our time together. I was so excited!

The next morning, we had coffee with Leigh and Nicole so that they could catch up with Tammy and also talk about the weekend ahead. It was so interesting to hear them talk about old times and past interns. Plus, it felt like I was finally seeing a more relaxed side to both of them. They know and trust Tammy and I hoped that they were beginning to know and trust me, too. I felt certain that the more social and relaxed vibe grounded in familiarity was at least a good step.

I spent much of the day performing a really interesting intake with a new family, so I didn't spend much other time with Tammy on her first full day at Botshabelo. It wasn't until dinner that we really got to spend quality time one-on-one. Chandler stayed behind and Tammy and I went out to dinner at a restaurant down the road, the owner of which I'd met after lunch with my friend Melody two weeks earlier at the mall in Krugersdorp. We were about the only customers in the place, so on top of a nice, private supervision session over a delicious dinner, we got to talk with the owners who were so friendly and interesting! The wife is apparently a big country star here in South Africa and Tammy ended up buying two of her CDs! She even yodeled for us! It was lovely. So nice to be out for a change and having a real talk with someone who knows this place, students' experiences of it, and me as a student and a person.

The next day we went a little ways a way to spend all afternoon at the Elephant and Monkey Sanctuary! We walked through the monkey sanctuary, learning about and interacting with all the different monkeys there. The biggest monkey in the place, Sarah, even got a little too comfortable with Chandler, riding on her shoulders for about 15 minutes toward the end of our tour! It was hilarious (especially after she got away unscathed and with her headband restored to her)!

Chandler with her new friend, Sarah.

In the Elephant Sanctuary, we had the chance to interact with, feed, and Chandler even went for a ride on one of these magnificent creatures! Elephants constantly amaze me and I always learn something new when I'm around them. Truly incredible. I even got a sloppy, wet kiss from one of them!

*muah!*

Elephant hickey. (Thanks for the photos, Tammy!)

At the end of such a fun day, I was treated again to a lovely dinner out with Tammy, Chandler, the Cloete family, and Gift at a resort and restaurant just on the other side of Magaliesburg from Botshabelo. It was another great meal (buffet, holla!) and I had a great time. The ease, familiarity, and fun that I'd noticed when we had coffee with Leigh and Nicole the other day carried forward into that evening. It was nice to see all of them so relaxed. I know they don't have the opportunity to do nice dinners like that very often and I felt extremely honored to be a part of the party that night.

And just for a bonus, Tammy told me later that they had good things to say about me when I went back for seconds (or thirds?) at the buffet!

Our dinner party (from L to R): me, Con, Nicole, Marion, Tammy, Chandler, Leigh, & Gift! (photo cred: Tammy)

The next day was when our real adventure began! Tammy had said from the beginning that she would be taking me away somewhere during her liaison visit. Since I live and work here and have no car, it can get overwhelming sometimes and I was grateful to have a chance to see another part of this gorgeous country. She ended up choosing Sun City and Pilanesburg National Park as our overnight destination. Sun City is a massive resort next to the national park and provided us with a lovely room, fancy breakfast, and access to a water park (where Chandler and I spent all morning before we left on Monday, swimming in the wave pool and going down water slides. Sunday evening we went on a game drive in Pilanesburg and were lucky enough to see elephants, zebra, rhino, giraffe, and two lionesses and three cubs feeding! It was awesome and even the sunset was stunning. Such a great trip!

Lionesses & cubbies!

I was sad to have to say goodbye to Tammy and Chandler, but I knew the ripples from her visit would spread across the rest of my time here. I'm so grateful to have such an incredible mentor and liaison to visit me here! I'm the luckiest final fielder out there, y'all. For real.

Otherwise, the past week or so since Tammy left have been a lot of readjusting to being here by myself. It can get pretty lonely without any other visitors and working from my house so much as I do with all the stuff on my computer, but luckily I am a person who enjoys some alone time and I feel like I'm becoming more and more a member of the community here every day. I'm building relationships with the kids and getting to know their personalities, tendencies, and what they like or don't like. I'm also getting to know the folks my own age here. I'm closer and closer with my roommate, Dipuo, and another member of "upper management," as they are called, Sissy, who gave me my first tour here.

One way I've tried to weave myself deeper into the community this week was by attending church this morning! It was so fascinating! They have it in a corrugated tin shack in the village, so it was warm with all of those bodies in there, but the energy and singing was so  wonderful! Much of the service was conducted in Tswana, but I could sense the emotion and was just pleased to be welcomed into the congregation. The bishop is the same man from the documentary, if you've watched it. I've been told that he sometimes swears in his sermons and, although he didn't this morning, I would love to be there for that one Sunday before I leave!

I haven't seen any of the Cloete family since Tammy, Chandler, and I got back on Monday, except for a brief check in with Leigh when we first drove in that day. Con and Leigh's youngest child, Ethan, have been in the hospital this week, so they have had their hands full and have been required to be away most of the time. Ethan is back now, but Con is back in the hospital after coming home for just a few hours on Friday night. I'm told he's improving, so I hope that's the case! I'm hopeful that he'll be home by the end of this week.

At any rate, assuming that everyone gets well soon, I'll be very interested to see what my relationships with the family members are like now that Tammy has come and gone. Will they be the same? Different? Better? Worse? Stay tuned . . .

Botshabelo "Storming" Stage

Now, for all my social work pals who have taken a Groups class, you will be familiar with the term "storming" from the stages of group/team development as described by Bruce Tuckman. For my non-social work pals, the stages he describes are forming, storming, norming, performing, and adjourning. These are all pretty self-explanatory and I'm not here to teach a Groups class, but let me focus on the stage I describe in this post: storming.

In the storming stage of group development, as groups begin to move toward their goals as set in the forming stage, group members start to realize that they cannot live up to their initial excitement and expectations. At this stage, conflict and competition are at their peak and it is often in this stage that groups and teams begin to assign blame. It is in the storming phase that many teams fail.

Don't panic. I/we at Botshabelo haven't "failed." It has, however, been a difficult time while I/we define my role here, learn to trust one another, and pass through tests of worthiness and fitness to be here. In fact, I think that's why it's taken me so long to post this (apart from internet difficulties). I wasn't sure how to communicate my experience and perhaps I'm still not quite, but I'm going to give it a try.

Tammy, my faculty liaison/field instructor and social work mentor, always says, "trust the process." Usually, I am also a huge proponent of this statement. Circumstances here, however, are anything but "usual," and sometimes the process can be an apparent sadist. Things here can swing from one extreme to another in no time. I'd go from having a really affirming therapeutic interaction with a child to an overwhelmingly frustrating and lonely roadblock in taking family histories or my accounting assignment. 

I am incredibly grateful to have been reading what I was when I first arrived and throughout my first month here: the work of Houston-based social work researcher Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW. Her theory of shame, shame resilience, and the concept of daring greatly have guided me through this storming stage so far with more stability, compassion and self-confidence than I believe I could have mustered on my own. If you haven't read her books, DO IT NOW! Whether you're a social worker or no, it's some of the most enlightening and impactful reading I've ever done and has changed my perspective on so many things in my life, work, and relationships. Not convinced? Want a preview? Check out her TED Talks from 2010 and 2012 right NOW NOW! I'll wait . . .

Incredible, right?! Now what does Brené Brown have to do with Botshabelo? Quite a lot, as a matter of fact. I realized relatively quickly after my arrival that the things that were making it so difficult for me to find my way here were all connected in a culture of shame. I think I could write an entire journal article about that element of my time here (and I might), but I'll try to boil it down into a digestible, blog-length description.

The thing hanging over absolutely everything that happens here, every decision that is made, every comment, every interaction, every disciplinary action, is trauma. There is the first-hand trauma experienced by the children who call this place their home or their school. There is the vicarious trauma experienced by the Cloete family who founded and run this place. And then there is the vicarious trauma experienced by the visitors, volunteers, and students like myself who are only here for a short time.

Just imagine a life where the people who were meant to protect you and keep you safe as an infant and child were the very people who hurt and exploited you, leading to damages to your physical health, mental health, and relational health. Imagine being taken away from all of that harm only to find that you fear your savior as much as you love her. Now imagine a life where even in the apparently "safe" environment you've created for these children you dealt with trauma, its aftershocks, death, crime, and crisis every single day without ceasing. Imagine that you have been doing it for over 25 years. And finally, imagine a life of privilege that is suddenly thrown into stark contrast with the poverty and traumatic histories surrounding you in a new environment.

Now think for moment how all of these different lives and perspectives might interact. What conflicts would arise? What alliances? What fears? What learning could take place? 

In all of these perspectives interacting, I often find myself having to pause, "call deep on my courage" and compassion, as Brené has said, and examine what is really about me and what is not. More often than not, what initially feels like is about me, absolutely is not. This realization so often leads to the next critical step: empathy. As Dr. Brown's explanation of shame tells us, it cannot survive being doused with empathy. If I can move through my own shame toward resilience, I can find compassion for the people whose words or actions sent me into shame in the first place. I can also shorten the time and distance between experiencing a shame trigger and finding empathy.

For example, about a week and a half ago I had one of the most challenging conversations of my short social work career and possibly of my life. In that conversation I was told that I was difficult to talk to, too quiet, not proactive enough, and that perhaps too much had been expected of me . . . in those exact words . . . OUCH. In less than five minutes, nearly every one of my shame triggers was hit. At another time in my life I might have collapsed, internalized the criticism as being evidence of my unworthiness (shame), and pined to give up. Instead, however, with the voices of my mother and father, Tammy, and Brené Brown whispering in my ear, I was able to remain calm, genuinely invite the feedback, and find self-compassion. I am not difficult to talk to and while I am often quiet, particularly in new situations, this simply makes me observant, capable of holding space for others, and a damn good therapist. "Not proactive enough" was really just a comment on differing styles. And finally, no one expected too much of me because no matter what, I AM ENOUGH.

Now, I would love to lie to you and say that all of this came together quickly and easily and I never felt the warm wash of shame or the sting of their comments. 'Twas not so. It hurt. A lot. And there were times when I was screaming reactions in my head like, "Perhaps you DID expect too much of me because, as it turns out, I'm not a god damn mind reader!" Hey, nobody's perfect. And as much as this conversation hurt, I'm glad it happened. It clarified a lot of things for me about how relationships here operate, others' perceptions of me, and my own strength. I'm also pleased to report that this isn't the flavor of all of my interactions here, especially where the kids are concerned, and they, after all, are the reason I'm here in the first place.

When I applied for and accepted this placement, I did so with the understanding that there would be lessons for me here that I couldn’t even fathom at the time. I was right. These are not the lessons I necessarily came here to learn, but I’m trying to trust the process and find ways to connect these lessons back to my primary goals here as a student, professional, and person. It’s going to be painful and uncomfortable and challenging and it might be just what I need, at least some of the time.

It also hasn't all been challenging and difficult, either. There have been some really quality moments over the last couple of weeks. For example, the kids started the afternoon doing community work last Wednesday, but ended up swimming and playing in the muddy dam trying (and succeeding) to catch catfish for Botshabelo to farm! We sat on the banks, enjoying some watermelon and the lovely weather in the setting sun, and watched the kids having the time of their lives and celebrating like made any time they managed to catch one of the fish!

Catfish catchin'!

I've also found ways in with these kids that have been really successful. There is no structure in place here for formal counseling sessions in the traditional sense that are the same time every week for 50 minutes. There are too many last-minute changes for all that noise. So, I've had to get creative in finding ways to interact with the kids throughout the week. One of those ways was simply by buying paper and crayons for the kids to color. They come for the coloring and listening to music, but they also get practice with boundaries, respecting one another, and the opportunity to be creative and express themselves in what I hope is a supportive and nurturing environment.

The other good news is that I've had some support through this tough time that I didn't have in my first week. I mentioned before that a volunteer had arrived. She left yesterday, but her presence made all the unbearable things bearable simply by being able to talk about them with someone else who truly understood and saw the same things I saw. I have truly cherished our time together and will miss our afternoon walks and our dinners together (she is a chef and owns her own restaurant and insisted on cooking for me . . . it was rough).

Me & Anne just before she left Botshabelo . . . for now . . .

Another group also left today after a brief stay here at Botshabelo. They were a group of 14 Norwegian high school seniors and three of their teachers. The school has sent student groups for many years now and have done some incredible work around Botshabelo. Unfortunately, as so often happens in environments filled with crisis, poverty, and trauma, life happens and the projects don't always survive to their full potential. This year, the group worked to revamp some gardens they had planted two years ago. In the process, I got to know the teachers very well and was so grateful for their input and perspective, having been here in years past, and for their support and kindness. And now I have friends in Norway! Pretty cool, if you ask me.

There was also a really fantastic show put on for Anne and the Norwegians before they left. The goodbyes were emotional, but reaffirmed the importance of my time here. These kids cherish these visits from outsiders and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

The Norwegian group sings in their farewell concert!

The Norwegians left this morning, so with Anne's departure yesterday and theirs this morning, I am incredibly grateful that I can expect Tammy and her daughter here this evening! I can always count on a confidence boost after a talk with Tammy, so spending four days with her sounds like a dream! It will also help me ease back into being here by myself, for which I will also be grateful, when the time comes!

The only other news from this last week is that I pitched an idea to Marion about the sex education program with which she wants me to assist her. When I was volunteering at the Lobamba Youth Centre in Swaziland in the first two weeks of my year of traveling that began nearly five years ago and led me to the path that would become a career in social work, I used a packet of materials called "Auntie Stella." It is a sex education program designed in Zimbabwe specifically to be used with young people in southern Africa. None of this trying to take a program developed in the US or Europe and changing all the pictures to have black people in them! These are real-life situations that apply to the specific experiences of adolescents in this region of the world. It's set up like an agony aunt column, á la Dear Abby, where people are writing in for advice. The group discusses each situation (in whatever language they prefer) and comes to a decision as to how they would advise the person. Then, they read Auntie Stella's response which includes factual information and culturally sensitive material. The entire thing is available for FREE online, so . . . can you say "BONUS!?" Have a look at it here, if you're interested. It's pretty cool and extremely enlightening in terms of the issues that young people face in their daily lives in Africa. Anyway, Marion was very intrigued and pointed out a few topics that she thought would be particularly useful and appropriate for the older children here at Botshabelo: 

• I had an STI--Am I infertile?
• My girlfriend's pregnant!
• My sugar daddy treats me badly
• I want to have sex like all my friends!
• Should I sleep with him?

It can be jarring to read through the materials as a privileged American, but it is uncomfortable in the most profoundly useful way, in my opinion. Check it out and let me know your thoughts/reactions!

Anyway, I'm off to watch the road for Tammy's arrival!

Valentine's Day Highs & Lows

It has been a weekend of pretty intense highs and lows here at Botshabelo!

I'll begin with Valentine's Day. Now, the kids here are absolutely nuts for this holiday, although they seem to lack any romantic affiliation to it, which is just fine by me (especially for children)! Everyone wanted to wear pink, red, and white at school yesterday, but were unjustly forced to stick to their school uniforms of light and navy blue. Tragic, no? 

Anyway, Anne, the recently arrived volunteer, cooked a lovely meal for the Cloete family, the head school administrator, Gift, our handyman, Harold, and me on Friday night and it was then that we learned that we would be judges at the Valentine's Day show the following day. Say what? We didn't get any more details than that, but were intrigued and eager to see what the kids would be doing and sharing in their excitement for the holiday.

The following morning, I chose to do my daily workout on the large deck outside my house since the weather was nice and it was much better than taking up all the common space in Dipuo's and my house. I noticed some of the kids peering at me from the path in front of the house and invited them to join me. Within ten minutes, we had about a dozen of us exercising together! It was fantastic and spontaneous and really freaking fun. Nothing takes your mind off of how hard it is to get through a minute of "froggers" like watching a little girl squeal with glee as she imitates the movement and delight in being a frog for a whole minute. As we were nearing the end, I had a brainwave: we should do this regularly! I had a way in with some of the kids that would be fun, physically active, and free of obligation. What better way to build rapport, forge a therapeutic alliance, and just play?

I was on a pretty serious high from the morning's workout and still grinning from ear to ear as I was hanging my laundry out to dry in the early afternoon when a child ran up and said that she was sent to fetch me for the Valentine's Day contest and that I must come now. Now??? I had thought that it was in the evening. Anne was still in the kitchen, where she spends most of her time, but I happened to catch her on my way out. She was just as surprised as I was, but we hustled over to the classrooms where the event was apparently taking place. People were still milling around when we arrived and we were then asked if we had pens and paper . . . Well, no, we have no idea what's going on! So I ran back to the house, grabbed some stuff, and ran back, only to discover that they'd found pens and paper in the nearby classroom. We proceeded to wait around for about 45 minutes before anything really started, but also without ever really receiving any information about what on earth we were supposed to be judging. Some kids started dancing, so we asked if this was what we were judging. No, it was not, they were just performing for fun. Ok . . .

So, Anne, Harold, and I sat and waited for whatever it was that we were about to judge. We had an ever-changing list of children broken up into older girls, younger girls, and boys laying on the table in front of us. Suddenly it began and a line of about 20 girls suddenly walked out in front of us. There were no numbers, they were not in the order on our lists, and I have, at this point, maybe 25 names down of the 160 children here. I felt so flustered and I was trying so hard to make sense of everything! It was frustrating, but at least it looked like the kids were enjoying themselves!

Some of the contestants in the Valentine's Day contest!

We suddenly took a break, for reasons I didn't completely understand, but I was glad to have a chance to step away, even for just a moment. I was able to recognize that I wasn't going to understand what was join on and that I could just let go and let it be and make some choices and try to enjoy it!

I was starting to feel better from walking back to the house while taking deep breaths, when Anne noticed that her wine was missing from on top of the fridge. Then she realized her cigarettes and lighter were also gone. I went to use the restroom and discovered that my toiletries were also absent. Later we also identified my chicken breasts and Diet Coke in the fridge as casualties. We'd been robbed. SUPER.

Mercifully, my bedroom was secure and my computer, iPhone, camera, passport, and wallet were untouched. I'd have cried if any of those had gone missing. But little items from the kitchen were easily replaceable. The icky feeling I had in the pit of my stomach was from the thought of someone being in my space when I wasn't there and without my knowledge. We determined that they'd waited for everyone to be occupied by the Valentine's Day celebration and managed to get in through an open window I'd left when I locked up in my rush to hurry up and wait for nearly an hour at the start of the event. I felt a little sheepish, but rested in the knowledge that it could have been so much worse and that I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

My roommate, Dipuo came back to the house in the middle of this discovery and expressed genuine empathy and compassion. She said she hated it when stuff like this happened, especially with visitors. She said that she would tell Nicole, so she knew. We thanked her and collected ourselves to head back to the pageant, hoping to leave the sour moods behind.

When we walked back in to finish judging, the first words we were met with were that I was told in my induction to always close and lock the windows when I leave the house . . . I was overcome with the care in this statement. It was defensive and absolutely not the reaction we needed right then, but we were already in a mood, so it just confirmed that the day was going to be a mixed bag.

Eventually we did, in fact, judge the contest. We kind of managed to get the kids in the order they were on our lists and see the entire performance, but even now, more than 24 hours later, I can't tell you if we judged a fashion show or a beauty pageant. All I can tell you is that we chose winners and the crowd seemed pleased by our choices, so I guess we can call that a win!

Waiting to hear who the winners are! 

We also had a fantastic performance from a pair of gumboot dancers who were incredibly talented and (apparently) very funny (although they mostly spoke Tswana, so I didn't understand about 95% of it)! (I still can't upload videos without bringing the whole system down, but it's something to look forward to when I get home!)

Thankfully, today was mostly a win. I had lunch with an old camp friend, Melody, who has been living in Pretoria for a while with her husband and who is, in her own words, "pregnant up to here!" She was able to meet me in a town that's not too far from Botshabelo for ease of transport on my side and, although the outing was cut short, it was so pleasant to catch up with her. I don't think we'd actually laid eyes on each other in nearly a decade and it was just delightful to see her in South Africa and expecting a baby! She is due soon, so I hope that I will be able to see her again and meet her son before I have to go home. Fingers crossed! We didn't get a picture together because I'm an idiot, but next time . . . and with a brand new baby boy in it with us!

I have no idea what the week ahead has in store, but I'm crossing my fingers for a restful evening, and more positives than negatives on the horizon.